the geek goes CHIC.

written on 02.09.10 || 11:17 a.m.

Apply discipline

I had a hard time getting a full night's rest last night, I can barely remember what I dreamt about but of course it was about him. Just when I start to feel better and less maniacal my brain reverts back and I start obsessing about him over and over again. Part of the reason I worry has to do with the fact that I'm doing what I hope he's not doing...yeah, flirting with other guys. I shouldn't be doing it because number one I'm pretty much telling myself that I'm not okay with being alone and number two I'm stopping my self-esteem from improving because my guilty conscience is hindering my growth. I've got to put a stop to this and I've got to start doing something about improving my self-esteem.

I don't know how many times I have to say this shit to myself but I'll probably have to keep repeating it to myself until it sinks in, whenever that is. Everytime I call him he's watching TV, his lifestyle is predictable, he's not working and he doesn't have money so it's not like he has anywhere to go so what's the need for me to call him everyday? It's my fucking self-esteem! Ughhh. I worry if I don't hear from him and I can't figure out why. What exactly would he be doing behind my back? I'm forcing myself to live in a bubble. How can I want to be "happy" and not do what it takes to get there? What needs to happen in order for me to get "it"?? All I know is that I need to get it, quick, fast and soon.

I'm starting to think that I made a mistake by joining the debt settlement program that my parents are working with. My creditors are offering me great settlements and based on the amount of money I've been sending them monthly I probably would have paid off one settlement already working on the next. Mom says "it's going to work, it's just going to take time." but like all of us struggling in debt, I hate to have it sitting on my conscience day after day. It's like a mole. I'm pretty sure I could resolve all my problems by myself but now that I think of it I've got to fight the good fight. I signed up for it didn't I?

I need to start going to the gym asap. I haven't gone in two weeks and I've been eating McDonalds for breakfast for the past three mornings. Talk about putting a damper on your spirits. What's so great about stuffing myself with hygrogenated fats and trans fat? Oh, because I love how grease makes me feel. You know I do... NOT!

you heard it first,
- M.